not many people know this but back in my boy crazy day I would save my IM conversations cause I knew years down the road they would make sense to me.
I read them all tonight.
A few of you were the person I was talking to.
A lot of them made me smile, others made me get the gut feeling all over again.

The feeling in my gut when I wanted to lay down and die.
When it felt like no one in the world cared, and no matter what you said , people wouldn't hear it.

Then there was this.

Conversation one
life status- very unstable
A boy wrote me this.

"I thought for the longest time I was madlly in love with you... but after living with you for so long and hanging out with you every day.. I realized something... I wasnt madlly in love with you... I knew from that moment on I couldnt spend the rest of my life with you... you were to much of a tom boy... but you were an amazing person... I did love you amanda... at one point I did... but when you wrote me that message and I read it... It didnt effect me at all... I had none of those feelings you spoke of..
 it didnt even  faze me .... and then I realixed I did treat you pretty bad but you didnt treat me like gold either... your own best freind said you were a horrible gf... and out of all the girls Ive been with in my life you treated me the worst...
 I realized your an awsome freind but a horrible preson to spend your life with.... "

which eventually turned into this

Conversation two- different person
life status- finally throwing in the towel.

A friend told me this

 [6:01 P.M.]:  so what's your story moment of glory?
[6:01 P.M.]: who is amanda?
 [6:01 P.M.]: and you're not allowed to copy and paste from myspace
OneMomentOfGlory [6:03 P.M.]: a girl who lives in cape coral not by choice because she had it so good in st.louis, she fell for someone who she thought she knew well, but aparently she was just there to be there I guess what they would call a flavor of the week, but still this prick trys to claim things he can't prove because he doesn't even know what he wants. So I wait. And while I'm waiting I screw a lot of things up between friends, and crushes, and drunken nights. While I'm waiting I drink myself to oblivion
OneMomentOfGlory [6:03 P.M.]:  and hope to christ one of these nights will be worth falling asleep for because I could always look forward to fucking waking up.
OneMomentOfGlory [6:04 P.M.]:  but I guess since I'm just another one of those pretty girls out there I shouldn't have to worry and things will get better because thats what I hear from everyone.
OneMomentOfGlory [6:04 P.M.]:  and everyone must be right.
 [6:04 P.M.]:  everyone lied to you


I do not miss you drama of 06-07
And I've found someone to spend the rest of my life with at 22 years old. And I can see that he feels the same way, even when he is dreaming.


I'm finally as happy as I've always wanted to be .

And it feels so good.